


i've been having a hard time adjusting

by uyu



Category: Wanna One (Band)
Genre: Character Study, Introspection, kind of
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-28
Updated: 2021-02-28
Packaged: 2021-03-12 13:49:10
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,678
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29760591
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/uyu/pseuds/uyu
Summary: Seongwu once had their hands as his lifeline
Kudos: 1





	i've been having a hard time adjusting

**Author's Note:**

> [dejectedly] why are you here kehlani
> 
> tbh, this is me projecting on seongwu bcos i miss these boys terribly and i just had to let it out. there isn't much structure to this and, to the one soul who will read this (practicing positivism), don't expect it to make much sense :')

Coming home used to be something Seongwu looked forward to. It used to feel _right_.

He takes a look at the shoe shelf, how organized and empty it looks with just his own pair of slippers and two extras, ready for guests, and shakes his head with a bitter smile.

It's been a while since he realized that his fingers keep punching in a foreign safety code and the following _beep_ lacks a thrilling warmth to it, that he lives in a hollowed out place and not a home.

No clutter of keys on the hooks next to the mirror by the entrance, each of them belonging to different doors in different places, different cities; no loud shouting coming from the living room, happy or otherwise, disrupting the eerie silence in his head; no footfalls following him and a voice urging Seongwu to _wait, I'm right behind you, hyung!_ There's none of that to welcome him, just the stillness of an apartment that looks strange, even after two years, and lonely, lonely, lonely.

Life's as busy as Seongwu hoped it'd get, at least, and he has a phone full of numbers eager to be called and invited to hang out. But it's just not the same. He doesn't _want_ to have to call people, ask them if they're free and then move on to another contact when they already have their schedules full for the foreseeable future.

Seongwu wants to get out of bed and walk a few steps towards the other one in his room, ask Daniel or whoever is in his bed if they want to do something, _I'm bored_ , and then exit the room and visit Woojin's to bother him; go to the apartment upstairs and crash their couch with Sungwoon on one side and Minhyun on the other, discussing the possibilities for a late night outing.

That's not something he's able to do anymore, though; Seongwu can't even call them out of nowhere without possibly interfering with something important. So he settles for texting the buddies he knows aren't in the studio recording a new album, or learning a new choreography or MC-ing a music show or all the way in China, and waits.

***

Sometimes it's not as bad, the longing for what he used to have. Seongwu's got a strong mentality, kind of, and if he pours himself over his work, going over scripts until they're seared on the inside of his eyelids and monitoring his past performances, he can pretend it isn't there. He can pretend it's always been this way.

But it's a quiet week and he's got a few job proposals that his agency is still considering whether they're good enough for him or the other way around, and Seongwu's bored out of his mind. The trip to the convenience store for milk, eggs, a few secret snacks and treats for the stray cats that loiter outside his building was way too quick and, therefore, ineffective in its hidden purpose.

So now Seongwu's itching to holler something unintelligible that Jaehwan and Woojin would've complained about, even louder than his shout, and Jinyoung would've glared at them for with a kiddish smile on his face. If he did that now, he'd look crazy or, worse, imagine if someone _did_ say something to him—he'd freak the fuck out.

He texted Dowan a good ten minutes ago and the guy isn't the best replier in the world, but he usually gets back to Seongwu within five minutes unless he's doing something important and, by the looks of it, he must be. Seongwu _could_ reach out to his other friends but the unintentional rejection killed the smidgen of motivation he had left, so he doesn't.

Instead, Seongwu closes his eyes and relaxes against the cold covers of his bed, and decides he's going to dream about a life where he gets back from work exhausted and on the verge of tears from how overworked he feels, but there are ten other guys walking alongside him with the weight of fame and reputation crushing them too, and they all get each other. Like a family.

***

Over two years and Seongwu still hasn't adjusted to the awkward side-eyes and the polite smiles, the near clandestine meetings behind the stage where there aren't cameras or fans yearning to see at least some of them together. It feels stifling.

Specially because some of that _hey there, stranger_ often translates backstage and Seongwu's left with an inconvenient pair of hands fidgeting by his sides and a lot of pent up things he wants to say or do, but isn't sure if he's allowed to.

"You've been well?" he asks Daniel, trying a little too hard to sound casual. It's always been difficult around Daniel, their clashing schedules (and the overload in Daniel's) preventing them from bonding the way Seongwu and Sungwoon, or Daniel and Jisung, did. They lacked that time together. Daniel did, with a lot of them.

But it's also easy with Daniel, because he's sweet and nice and looks at the past with a smile on his face. "Sure," he tells Seongwu, "how about you, hyung? Been busy?"

 _Not enough_ , he wants to say, but – time and place and person. So he nods, hoping to look at least a quarter as vibrant as Daniel. "Sure," he parrots back, just to be cheeky, and Daniel's grin widens.

It's not the first time they meet after disbandment, but Seongwu thinks it will always go this way with them: teeth-grindingly uncomfortable at first, both off-put by the other for a second before remembering that they can let their guards down, and then, a smooth ride.

Despite this, Seongwu qualifies these as some of his favorite encounters.

***

Calling Wanna One a family is both the truth and not, at the same time.

They _are_ like brothers, the way Seongwu sees it: complicit in each other's mischief, of the same mind with different perspectives and the light that makes the darkness less scary.

Seongwu once had their hands as his lifeline, the only one thing that could guide him through furious crowds of passionate fanatics and pull him out of the deep waters he walked himself into. And he'd like to think that his hands had been warm enough when they dried someone's tears, gentle in their touch when they had to pat someone's back in comfort, firm so that all ten of them could find support in Seongwu's unfaltering grasp when they navigated turbulent weather.

But there also had been a lot of dysfunctionality and cynicism, at least at the beginning, but Seongwu cannot say in good faith that it didn't drag on until the last days of the contract. He can't place his hand over his heart and say that he didn't breathe in relief when they all cried on stage together one last time, finally no longer in a competition disguised as a team; finally able to see their group as more than colleagues at times, as actual friends he could only see in a positive light instead of _ah, Jihoonie's set to film something today? Good for him_.

It feels twisted and somewhat wrong to say he misses that time in his life. Why would he miss the emotional dissonance? The _I trust you with my life_ versus _he could hold this over me if he found out_.

Well, families aren't perfect, and Seongwu's allowed to have conflicting feelings that pull him out and under.

***

Seongwu loves the spotlight, he truly does. His heart races every time he's in front of a camera; whether it be delivering lines he memorized until they sounded like they were his own words or just saying the first thing that comes to mind, Seongwu feels flustered and exhilarated and like there's nothing he enjoys more than being the center of attention.

Of course, there was a moment in his life where he'd wanted to pack himself in a box and stay there, just for a bit, hidden and tucked away from plain sight. But that moment is no longer and Seongwu doesn't want that anymore.

Still, Seongwu watches from the sidelines, too.

In his spare time, he gives the other members' music a listen; some he enjoys, other he doesn't but still taps the heart and finishes the whole thing. He doesn't send any messages unless they text him first, like when Jihoon had surprised him by asking for his opinion on his acting, but he does visit the somewhat dead group chat to drop a thumbs-up when someone else comments on the releases.

He also tries to catch a few episodes of whatever Jihoon or Minhyun or whatever member is working on, and he searches Guanlin's name on Twitter just to know what he's up to, heart squeezing with wanting to talk to him so badly but not knowing if he's still someone the kid wants in his life.

Catching up with Jisung is the easiest task to do, shockingly enough. Seongwu texts him freely, the way he does with Sungwoon, and asks him frivolous questions like whether he misses the barracks and if he thinks Seongwu will look great bald.

It occurs to Seongwu that he, too, wants to see all of them in the same place sometime soon, but he knows it's more complicated than that. That there are things between some members that need to be addressed and discussed and that maybe, some of them had only seen this as a job. He wouldn't judge them for it.

So, in the meantime, he keeps up the detective game and holds his wishes close to his heart, where they cannot be taken away from him.

***

(Well, at least he can say he tried. He really, really did.

He still is. Trying to adjust to being by himself; to seeing his favorite movie end, knowing he only had one chance to watch it, no way of rewinding back to the start.

And he really, really wants to go back to the beginning, somehow, if only just for a second.)

**Author's Note:**

> title taken from taylor swift's [this is me trying](https://open.spotify.com/track/0j5renyfv1ChCoe1ca7bDP), which also serve as both inspiration and the tipping point that made me write this


End file.
